I think these past 2 weeks have been a vert interesting period of time for me- a time of self reflection, a time to roam around on my own, a time to think about what i want only to come to the realisation that I am still at a loss at what i want. One thing is for sure though- my unwillingness to venture out into unknown and unchartered waters for fear of failure. One other thing for sure is my declining ability for clear speech and writing- not in a real speech and writing way, rather the ability to convey my thoughts and ideas in a clear and concise manner.
Now this is pretty alarming. I used to pride myself in my ability to do presentations (my own architecture presentations, that is) without much prior preparations and still be able to sound pretty coherent, but now I have come to realise that I have lost the ability to do so. My thoughts get jumbled up in my head, I can’t structure my thoughts clearly, and as such my presentation is a whole pile of messy crap. Why has it become so? I think my brain has gone on a hiatus for too long, I have along the way managed to convince Mr Brain that hey, writing and clear thoughts is not exactly my thing and you know what, you don’t have to do that anymore, someone else who can do that better than me will take care of that. You just continue doing and churning out whatever you are good at. Nope don’t bother to try that’s fine, just stick to whatever you are comfortable doing. And voila that’s what happened, an underutilised brain.
I began realising this is starting to have a serious impact on my life. i feel as though my brain has shrunk. My thinking capacity has reduced. My thinking complexity has declined. I feel somewhat silly and stupid as I realised that my incapability to make intelligent conversation is making me a really uninteresting person, not only to others but also myself. I hate it that I am unable to come up with witty comebacks in conversations, I hate it that I am unable to express my opinion clearly, and I hate it that because I know I can’t express my thoughts and sentiments clearly and understandably I have come to be even more afraid to post and voice out my opinions. This has become apparent even on my Facebook posts. I can’t/ don’t try too hard to back up my pictorial posts with a nice and illustrative chunk of text, one: for fear of bad english and being laughed at, two: for fear of offending someone/ people having varied opinions and I will not be able to defend myself. Seriously what’s there to be afraid about? Its my Facebook post dammit, and I am entitled to my own opinion, and having varied comments is good so then you see how people think. Why can’t they? Why can’t I?
Thats when i decided enough is enough, I am bloody gonna do something about it. So today starts day 1 of write a little something everyday, a way for me to reflect on my day, think about the next day, and also exercise my writing brain 🙂
Sleepy now. Nighty 🙂